hannibal reads the news

hannibalCHAPTER 1

It was just another Monday for Hannibal. He woke up in his warren, which is where Hamsters live. Earthworms churned throught the soil above him, singing as they left the earth more fertile, by eating it and shitting it. Hannibal liked listening to the Earthworms sing, even if no-one told him he was amazing for eating and shitting. Before he had time to dwell on this, Postman Crow poked his head into the warren, a wad of newspapers stuffed into his beak.

“Read all about it”, screamed Postman Crow, before pulling his head out and hopping onto his postman’s bicycle. He flapped his wings, fell off the bicycle, and decided to push it along with his wings. “Why aren’t you flying today, Postman Crow?” asked Hannibal. “Health and safety, mate. Fucking ridiculous. Pecked some cunt’s eye out divebombing with an Amazon parcel, so they put me on this.”

“Oh dear,” said Hannibal. “The world appears to be going to hell in a handbag. Still, at least now I can have a cup of Hamster coffee and read the news.”

But the news was all about Danny Fart, a very rich Guinea Pig who Hannibal quietly suspected was an analogue for the human, Donald Trump. The Guinea Pig Danny Farts had been doing lots of very analogous things, like threatening to build a fence around a pond to stop the freeloading ducks from getting bread. He’d also gone to a zoo, and told an endangered panda it was no wonder other pandas didn’t want to fuck her, because she was a fat pig. He’d also said that he hated kittiwakes, lobsters and chameleons, but there wasn’t enough context to work out what those were analogies for.

“Well. I don’t know about you, but the cheapening of our political discourse is really making me feel… really horny.”

There was nothing for it. Hannibal’s tiny front paws stretched forward, rummaging around in the fur close to his groin. His back legs pedalled in the air, finding no purchase against the damp warren air. Hannibal rocked backwards and forwards for ten minutes, unable to reach either his dick or asshole. “Well, it looks like I’m on a hiding to nothing”, moaned Hannibal, which is the saddest thing you can say whilst having a wank. But just as he was about to give up, and more by luck than judgment, all four of his paws hit his little hamster dick at the same time, causing a fraction of a millilitre of spunk to squirt onto the soil.

“Thanks, Hannibal,” sang an Earthworm, popping up to devour the spunk, then shitting it back into the soil six inches away, which immediately became mossy and fertile. A mole poked his head into the warren. “Oh wow. This earthworm shit with a bit of hamster spunk on it will make a lovely present for my wife.”

Hannibal saw that his hamster wank was doing some good, and felt content that despite the terrible state of the  national news, he was playing a positive role in his local community. “Perhaps that is the moral of the story!” he mused.

CHAPTER TWO

Hannibal turned on the television. But there were more bad analogies there, this time about Brexit. He turned up the volume.

“There’s this giraffe right, and he thinks he’s fucking ace, but all the other giraffes in the herd think he’s a total prick. They always have, but he’s so fucking noisy it’s easier to let him chat shit then laugh about him behind his back. But the fact he’s an asshole, and always has been really, never seems to sink in with this giraffe. He really fucking thinks he’s summat. So anyway, he’s basically such a colossally deluded and hateful prick that he’s decided to sever ties with other giraffes, because seriously, he’s a fucking hopeless piece of shit.”

“Fuck all of those guys. I don’t need them,” said the Giraffe on the TV. “I am the best giraffe in the world. Look at my long legs. My nice long legs. Get under my legs. This is a fun game I like to play. I’m going to move left and right. Try to stay under my body and I will shelter you from this meteor shower. Unlike other giraffes, I am meteor-proof.”

Hannibal squinted as he tried to disentangle the Brexit analogy from the needless whimsy. “Wait a minute,” said Hannibal, “I live in Britain. Now that the news is beginning to affect me directly, I’m really beginning to feel…. SUPER FUCKING HORNY

Hannibal felt his miniature balls refilling, and decided to leave the warren. There was an owl waiting for him. “I’m an owl,” said the owl, in a way that suggested he wasn’t joking.

“I’m a horny little hamster, and I’ve got fractions of a milliletre of freshly percolated spunk in my dick”, huffed Hannibal, whose tongue tasted like copper, he was that ready to do a blow off out of his willy.

“I bet you two Animal Pounds you can’t get it in my mouth,” smiled the owl.

“You’re on like Everybody Gonfi Gon with Simon Le Bon’s MOM!” laughed Hannibal, who fell onto his back and started the long, frustrating process of trying to hit his dick with all four paws at once. But this time, a friendly voice popped up.

“Hey guys, I’m Justin Timber Wolf, the only animal in the forest that is a celebrity pun. Do you need help with that hamster dick?” enquired the Wolf, drooling so hard his muzzle was squirting.

“Oh, would you mind?” gasped Hannibal.

The owl smiled mischievously, her cloaca producing a weak hiss-trickle of foam like an empty can of shaving cream “Oh, I see. You’re getting help? In that case, I’m going to make you earn my two Animal Pounds.”

The owl started rotating her head around and around, like a clown’s face. “Steady as she comes, Hannibal!” laughed the wolf, as he pounded his big paws down on the hamster’s tiny taint, causing a miniscule amount of hamster spunk to arc towards the owl’s mouth.

A crowd of frogs gasped in delight as the inadequate spunk packet hit the owl on the cheek, where some moss began to grow. She smiled with wise indulgence. “Close! But you should aim where the mouth’s going to be, not where it is!”

“Truly you are a wise owl,” said Hannibal, suddenly dejected. “But I only have one Animal Pound, and cannot pay you the bet. I have totally fucked it up.”

Then, to Hannibal’s great surprise, her big owl tongue slurped out of her mouth and licked it all off like a wise Scooby Doo owl.

“Well, I guess it’s in my mouth now! Here’s your two Animal Pounds”

“That is very generous,” gasped Hannibal. “You could easily have not licked my spunk off your cheek and sent me to Hamster debtors prison.”

“What can I say?” smiled the owl. “I’m just really into spunk, I guess. Oh, and co-operation and working together is cool. That is perhaps the moral of the story.”

Happy that he had learned a lesson from from getting a small amount of wank onto an owl, Hannibal decided to go deeper into the forest.

CHAPTER THREE

Deep in the forest, in a low mossy bowl, he met the first tree that ever grew in the world.

“Oh, fuckin’ ‘ell,” moaned the tree. “I’m bollocksed, mate. It’s all fucked good and proper.”

“Is this an analogy?” asked Hannibal. “I’ve been dealing largely in analogy today. Analogy and reading the news.”

“I’ve got some fuckin’ news for you, mate, I’m fucked. Everything’s fucked. How do you do an analogy for that? What do you get to represent everything?”

Hannibal shuffled uneasily. “I think it’s probably you, actually.”

“Well, that’s just the icing on the bollock-shaped cake. You never think it’s you, do you? It’s always something, someone else that’s an analogy. The whole world is fucked, and everyone’s going to look at me, and say ‘check out that prick, indirectly representing our suffering’. Well, I’m not having it. I’m just going to die right now. Fuck you lot.”

“Well, this is awful. An annoying tree that represents life on Earth has just died. And that makes me feel…” Hannibal put his paws onto his knees as his little lungs started superventilating. “It makes me super fuckin’ horny on toast baby, you better believe it.

Hannibal had never been so turned on. He felt his ball-bearing nuts chugging away like atoms in a tiny Hadron Collider. And without further ado, he rolled onto his back and began the almost futile process of trying to reach his hamster dick with his four inadequate legs.

After half an hour, an exhausted Hannibal finally accepted that it wasn’t going to work. It looked like the dead tree was just going to have to go without a tiny amount of spunk on it. But just as he rocked to a standstill, and let his spine relax, he realised once again that he wasn’t alone.

“Stick at it, buddy”, hooted the Owl, gobbing out the spunk she had kept in her mouth onto a branch, which immediately sprouted some moss.

“Hey boys,” said the mole’s wife, as she proudly queefed out the lump of Hamster spunk-sodden Earthworm shit soil onto the floor.

“Hey fella,” sang the Earthworms, who’d travelled far and wide, carrying wads of spunky soil six inches at a time to help their friend wank on a dead tree.

“Dudes! Wait for us!” cheered the frogs, their legs matted with glutinous spawn. It wasn’t spunk, but everyone appreciated the gesture – and some moss grew anyway.

“Need a hand?” laughed Justin Timber Wolf, punching Hannibal in the taint, causing an infinitesimal quantity of jizz to plop into the ground, really close to his body.

“Oh great,” muttered the First Ever Tree In The World. Sap had started leaking from his branches as he came back to life. “All the animals have had a wank on me and now I’m covered in fucking moss.”

“Hurray, you’re alive!” cheered Hannibal. “We all worked together to stop… climate change, I think, and everything’s OK, and that’s the moral of the story!”

Just then a meteor struck the planet, killing everything in a thousand mile radius instantly, and setting in motion such catastrophic changes to the planet’s atmosphere that advanced life became unfeasible. That is, all except for one brave giraffe who had decided to go it alone, and was meteor-proof. That giraffe’s name?

Massive Racist Arsehole Piece Of Shit Tory Motherfucker. 

Learn more! Episode 212 : Sexy Times at The Canal Cafe Theatre

terminator genisys

Terminator is on a roof. John Connor is on the ground and shouting up at him.

JOHN
Jump, Terminator. Your Terminator legs will protect you from damage.

TERMINATOR
Negative, Terminator is scared.

JOHN
You don’t any emotions Terminator, how can you be–

TERMINATOR
TERMINATOR SCARED.

JOHN
Terminator we have to go stop Skynet right now or else the world is doomed, there must be another way down?

TERMINATOR
What is another way down from a roof?

JOHN (frustrated)
Well I don’t know, I’m not the one on the roof. Are there any staircases, or maybe a ladder?

TERMINATOR
Scanning for staircases and ladders… (pause)

JOHN
Have you found any–

TERMINATOR
STAIRCASES NOT FOUND 🙁 🙁 🙁

JOHN
For fuck’s sake Terminator! You come down from that roof this instant.

TERMINATOR
Terminator frightened. Terminator sad.

JOHN
I’m warning you Terminator.

TERMINATOR
(pause)… Scanning for staircases.

JOHN
Right, that’s it Terminator, I’m leaving without you.

TERMINATOR
No don’t.

JOHN
I’m going. Here I go. Bye bye Terminator.

TERMINATOR
No come back.

JOHN
I can’t hear you Terminator.

Terminator jumps off the roof and runs after John. The pair continue their journey towards Cyberdyne HQ.

TERMINATOR
My Terminator legs protected me from damage 🙂

JOHN
I know. I told you they’d do that and you wouldn’t listen.

TERMINATOR
Can I have some crisps?

JOHN
No you can’t have crisps, you had crisps earlier.

TERMINATOR
Terminator want criiiiisps.

JOHN
Jesus Christ Terminator give it a rest will you?

TERMINATOR
Why are you angry at Terminator? Terminator is doing his best.

JOHN
No I’m not angry, you’re just being really annoying today.

TERMINATOR
Terminator sad.

JOHN
Stop being sad! You aren’t even programmed for sad. Who told you about sad?

TERMINATOR
Terminator is useless.

JOHN
You’re not useless, you’re – – Terminator where are you going?

TERMINATOR
Terminator going up on roof to check for enemies.

JOHN
No, Terminator.

Terminator begins scaling a building with his powerful robot arms.

JOHN
Terminator, no!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck.

JOHN
Terminator!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck on the roof.

JOHN
*sigh*

TERMINATOR
Help me John. Help Terminator. Heeeelp.

Learn more! Episode 147 : The Dog Terminator From Russia Who Loved Me

wrestlingmania

The following is how the Regular Features team caught Wrestlingmania, and how we used it to kill The Rock. As of 2015, this is WWE canon.

SCENE ONE – INTERIOR, THE ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING CHANGING ROOM

LOG
Well here we are boys, inside the Royal Rumble Wrestling changing rooms, where all of the world’s best wrestlers come to change into their finest wrestling clothes before they wrestle for the biggest wrestling prize of all – the wrestling belt.

MATT
I can’t believe we wrestled so good that we’re all now the champions of wrestling. We’re the four best wrestlers in the world. That wrestling belt is as good as ours.

STEVE
Yes. But I must admit it was a shame that I wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard that he fell off a ladder and died of a massive brain injury, but we all knew the risks when we became professional wrestlers. Stone Cold Steve Austin paid the ultimate price of being a very good wrestler. I’m glad he’s dead.

MATT
Stone Cold Steve Austin was just a stepping stone on our way to wrestling greatness. A stepping stone cold Steve Austin, if you will.

LOG
Don’t be flippant about how Steve wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard he flew off the top of a ladder and smashed his head and died of brain trauma, Matt. The world is still mourning his loss. Besides, I think I can see famous wrestler The Rock getting changed over there. I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate us talking about his wrestling friend like this.

STEVE
Oh shit, The Rock is coming over here – and he looks pissed off.

THE ROCK
What did you guys just say about my dead friend Stone Cold Steve Austin?

MATT
Oh, erm, hello The Rock. Umm, we were just saying how terribly sad we are that Stone Cold Steve Austin was violently catapulted from the top rung of a ten foot tall ladder and somersaulted to his untimely demise.

THE ROCK
Well I’d better not catch you being glib about his agonising ringside death. After all, that’s my famous wrestling catchphrase. “Don’t be glib”. I say it all the time before every wrestling fight. “Don’t be glib”.

MATT
Yeah yeah, we all know your famous catchphrase The Rock.

STEVE
Yeah, just like everybody knows my famous catchphrase. “My name is Steve and I’m comin atcha with my wrestling moves”.

LOG
And mine. “Can you smell me? Here I am!”

MATT
And of course you all remember my catchphrase. “I’ve killed three widows and I’m afraid I might kill again.”

LOG
Don’t forget my other catchphrase, “Stop the wrestling fight I need the bathroom. I simply cannot continue to wrestle with a colon full of shit.”

STEVE
Oh and my backup catchphrase, “I murdered the wrestler they call Stone Cold Steve Austin when I purposefully jettisoned him from a ladder whereupon he flew through the air and bounced off all of the ropes before dying in a crumpled heap of bones on the ground like a big idiot.”

MATT
And who could forget my best wrestling catchphrase of all, “I was born in a haunted cave and I will die in a haunted cave, but in between all of that I intend to wrestle. Got a problem with that? Take it up with my fists and legs.”

LOG
And of course there’s my third and best catchphrase, “I believe in God, the biggest wrestler of all who lives in a cloud and puts fucks up angels with his mighty dropkicks.”

THE ROCK
Well your wrestling catchphrases might be intermittently brilliant and glib, but we’ll see who the true wrestling champions are when we’re in the royal rumble ring fighting for the wrestling belt.

[Joe (The Rock) storms off angrily, but don’t actually go anywhere Joe, you can’t we’re on stage live]

STEVE
Guys, The Rock seems really annoyed with us. If we’re to stand any chance of beating him and winning the wrestling belt, we’re going to have to wrestle harder than we’ve ever wrestled before.

[Steve, Log and Matt join hands]

ALL
ONE TWO THREE WRESTLING!

SCENE TWO – INTERIOR, ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING RING

ANNOUNCER
Ding ding ding. I am the wrestling announcer. Hello and welcome to the Big Royal Rumble Wrestling Fight of Wrestling Champions, which takes place here in America. And look, here comes our very first wrestler now. It’s The Rock.

THE ROCK
Don’t be glib!

ANNOUNCER
And now here comes every other wrestler in the world. Brank Troublesome, The King of Britain, Algarve Shoe, The Tombskeeper, Big Swallows, Little Swallows, French Bread, I don’t need to name them all. But I’ll name a few more. The Angry Horse, Satsuma, Fernando, Fandango, Bernadette, Ian, Brian, Keith, and The Man With a Snake. So many wrestlers, thousands and thousands of them climbing into the ring in a big pile, truly this is the Royal Rumble.

LOG
Guys, this is it. It’s time to wrestle the fuck out of all of these assholes and become the world champions of wrestling once and for all.

MATT
I’ve got ALL of my moves ready. Let’s murder every wrestler and win the royal rumble.

STEVE
You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m going to do a move right now, and it is this move:

- A reverse parallax leg You dislocate every bone in your leg and spin it around like a big floppy sock filled with potatoes. [734 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
It will take more than your fucked up wobbly leg to defeat me, Regular Features.

LOG
Try THIS on for size!

You leap into the sky and cartwheel around up in the rafters, faster and faster until you start to glow with pure wrestling energy, which you release in a concussive burst of white hot plasma that rips through the royal rumble wrestling ring. [4,823 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
Haha! I eat white hot plasma bursts for breakfast. And while I realise that sounds like I’m saying I eat spoonfuls of semen from a big jizz bowl every morning, that’s NOT what I meant.

MATT
In that case, I must cordially invite you to cop a feel of this

You run at full speed into the ropes and then fall to the ground, feigning injury, when 2,643 wrestlers come over to ask if you’re okay, you jump up and elbow them all to death. [2,642 wrestlers murdered - THERE IS ONLY ONE WRESTLER LEFT]

STEVE
There is only one wrestler left!

THE ROCK
It’s me, The Rock. I’m the last one. I am the last wrestler left and you’ll never ever defeat me. Unless, that is, you know my one weakness.

STEVE
A simple punchTHE ROCK
Oh no, a simple punch. How unlikely. I can’t believe you’ve punched me to death.

LOG
Take a hike, The Rock, we’re the wrestling champions now. We’ve murdered every wrestler and now we’re the best.

fivers, new

untitled-1Is your business ready to accept the new five pound note? The new five pound note is money, and therefore in your business’ best interests. But you don’t want to throw good money after bad, so it’s important that you’re “on the money” with the new five pound note. After all, you know what they say: “money is as money does, so let’s do some money”.

Here are some important facts to bear in mind about the new money that is happening, and may already have happened.

  1. You can test the new polymer banknotes by tickling the queen’s tits with a feather. If you are arrested for treason, the bank note is real and can be safely banked.
  2. The new notes have a heist mode – they hoot and inflate like balloons during a heist, forcing you to chase them around with a butterfly net like you’re in the Crystal fuckin’ Dome or something. All bank notes therefore have to be acutely sensitive to heist conditions, and may inflate accidentally if you say things like “put the ingots into my knapsack” or “you won’t believe what’s in this safety deposit box, Jeff, it’s some kind of gigantic ruby. I’ve never seen anything like it. It must be worth a billion dollars”.
  3. Some lucky notes will have a “double or nothing” scratchbox in the corner. Reveal a lucky double, and your note will expand, fold, mutate, and enter a fleshy cocoon stage for three weeks. Once the meat around the exhaust port turns pinkish-brown and begins to discharge an ash-grey paste, jam two fingers firmly into the ham-like aperture and yank out the squealing money prawn. This is legal tender, and can be used at any participating newsagent. If, however, you reveal a “nothing”, you will have destroyed some money, and be arrested for treason.
  4. To make up for years of banknotes dominated by male historical figures, every five-pound note will feature a different Spice Girl. This means there will only be five printed. This will make them too valuable to release into the public, so they will be kept by a millionaire, who will use them to dab at his willy after a long night of edging. The Spice Girl notes will immediately be replaced by a new new Five Pound note, which features a beautiful drawing of a bearded God giving a bearded Moses a secret eleventh commandment – “thou shalt not menstruate on my big holy dick”.
  5. If you can think of an amount of money that there isn’t already a banknote for, then you have “discovered” that banknote, and can ask the Mint Bank Of Britain to mint you a special note with your face on it. But watch out! The queen can see all the way around the note, so if you’re sticking your tongue out, you will be arrested for treason.
  6. All new bank notes will have full AI, that will allow them to solve really hard puzzles, and fall in love. This means that they will be covered by the human rights act, which in turn means that you can only spend them with the note’s consent. This only goes to show how ridiculous human rights are in the first place, and they should all be revoked immediately.
  7. Did you think the word “mint” was a combination of the words “money” and “print”? Think again! It’s because money was invented by Marco Polo, in Season 2 of the TV Series Marco Polo. Kublai Khan was all like “my breath’s honking, get us some mints from the shop”, and Marco was all like “shit, how do I buy things” so he quickly invented money. No-one has been allowed to have the surname Polo since, in case more money happens, causing inflation.

If you see a new fiver in the wild, be sure to Tweet us @bankofengland!

Learn more! Episode 204 : Banknote Busting Mouth Ulcers

shit and piss, gunky buttock filled with, harry potter and the

Once upon a time, renowned audio tit Cassetteboy chopped up Stephen Fry’s reading of the Harry Potter books and transformed them into something beautiful. His first story was Harry Potter and the Black Leather Cunt, which was to be followed by Harry Potter and the Underage Blow-Job.

Several years passed, until Log decided to copy this idea, with two fundamental differences. First, he would not have a voice as silky and mellifluous as the other fat old gay, Fry. Secondly, he would just read out lots of swear words he had written, with no audio craftmanship or any real effort. Everyone agreed that this was much better, and that Cassetteboy had wasted his and everyone else’s time.

Everyone, that is, except Joe Skrebels, who took Log’s script, went to the Potter audiobooks, and did it properly.

What a prick.

Learn more! Episode 208 : Hermione's Healthy Dongoloid