welsh

A language that for seventy years of English observational comedy was derided as a series of phlegm-filled hacks and sputters. If you ever had the misfortune to be alive in the 1980s, you’d have been treated to jokes such as:

“That Welshman just said hello to me, and now I am irreversibly covered in sputum”

“Apparently the River Taff is 90% bronchial mucus because they just stand there talking at their rivers. That’s how fucking stupid they are. They talk to rivers.”

Welsh Valley

Climbing mountains is a cunt’s game when you’ve got a tit-load of sexy valleys to roll around in

“What the hell is their problem? I mean I can understand the French talking a different language, they’re foreigners. But I can drive to Wales.”

“I just think it’s a bit passive aggressive that they chose a dragon as their mascot, when we’ve got St George. I mean, what are they trying to say? That St George didn’t kill that dragon? That it moved to Cardiff and gave dragonback rides to their kids? That the King of England can’t even kill a stupid Welsh dragon?”

In fact, Welsh is a beguiling language that slips into your ear like spider’s silk, and the Welsh accent is so calming, that nurses will frequently slip into an Aberystwyth lilt before telling you your lungs are about to explode.

Learn more! Episode 2 : Welsh Gay Trouser Ghosts

wrestlingmania

The following is how the Regular Features team caught Wrestlingmania, and how we used it to kill The Rock. As of 2015, this is WWE canon.

SCENE ONE – INTERIOR, THE ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING CHANGING ROOM

LOG
Well here we are boys, inside the Royal Rumble Wrestling changing rooms, where all of the world’s best wrestlers come to change into their finest wrestling clothes before they wrestle for the biggest wrestling prize of all – the wrestling belt.

MATT
I can’t believe we wrestled so good that we’re all now the champions of wrestling. We’re the four best wrestlers in the world. That wrestling belt is as good as ours.

STEVE
Yes. But I must admit it was a shame that I wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard that he fell off a ladder and died of a massive brain injury, but we all knew the risks when we became professional wrestlers. Stone Cold Steve Austin paid the ultimate price of being a very good wrestler. I’m glad he’s dead.

MATT
Stone Cold Steve Austin was just a stepping stone on our way to wrestling greatness. A stepping stone cold Steve Austin, if you will.

LOG
Don’t be flippant about how Steve wrestled Stone Cold Steve Austin so hard he flew off the top of a ladder and smashed his head and died of brain trauma, Matt. The world is still mourning his loss. Besides, I think I can see famous wrestler The Rock getting changed over there. I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate us talking about his wrestling friend like this.

STEVE
Oh shit, The Rock is coming over here – and he looks pissed off.

THE ROCK
What did you guys just say about my dead friend Stone Cold Steve Austin?

MATT
Oh, erm, hello The Rock. Umm, we were just saying how terribly sad we are that Stone Cold Steve Austin was violently catapulted from the top rung of a ten foot tall ladder and somersaulted to his untimely demise.

THE ROCK
Well I’d better not catch you being glib about his agonising ringside death. After all, that’s my famous wrestling catchphrase. “Don’t be glib”. I say it all the time before every wrestling fight. “Don’t be glib”.

MATT
Yeah yeah, we all know your famous catchphrase The Rock.

STEVE
Yeah, just like everybody knows my famous catchphrase. “My name is Steve and I’m comin atcha with my wrestling moves”.

LOG
And mine. “Can you smell me? Here I am!”

MATT
And of course you all remember my catchphrase. “I’ve killed three widows and I’m afraid I might kill again.”

LOG
Don’t forget my other catchphrase, “Stop the wrestling fight I need the bathroom. I simply cannot continue to wrestle with a colon full of shit.”

STEVE
Oh and my backup catchphrase, “I murdered the wrestler they call Stone Cold Steve Austin when I purposefully jettisoned him from a ladder whereupon he flew through the air and bounced off all of the ropes before dying in a crumpled heap of bones on the ground like a big idiot.”

MATT
And who could forget my best wrestling catchphrase of all, “I was born in a haunted cave and I will die in a haunted cave, but in between all of that I intend to wrestle. Got a problem with that? Take it up with my fists and legs.”

LOG
And of course there’s my third and best catchphrase, “I believe in God, the biggest wrestler of all who lives in a cloud and puts fucks up angels with his mighty dropkicks.”

THE ROCK
Well your wrestling catchphrases might be intermittently brilliant and glib, but we’ll see who the true wrestling champions are when we’re in the royal rumble ring fighting for the wrestling belt.

[Joe (The Rock) storms off angrily, but don’t actually go anywhere Joe, you can’t we’re on stage live]

STEVE
Guys, The Rock seems really annoyed with us. If we’re to stand any chance of beating him and winning the wrestling belt, we’re going to have to wrestle harder than we’ve ever wrestled before.

[Steve, Log and Matt join hands]

ALL
ONE TWO THREE WRESTLING!

SCENE TWO – INTERIOR, ROYAL RUMBLE WRESTLING RING

ANNOUNCER
Ding ding ding. I am the wrestling announcer. Hello and welcome to the Big Royal Rumble Wrestling Fight of Wrestling Champions, which takes place here in America. And look, here comes our very first wrestler now. It’s The Rock.

THE ROCK
Don’t be glib!

ANNOUNCER
And now here comes every other wrestler in the world. Brank Troublesome, The King of Britain, Algarve Shoe, The Tombskeeper, Big Swallows, Little Swallows, French Bread, I don’t need to name them all. But I’ll name a few more. The Angry Horse, Satsuma, Fernando, Fandango, Bernadette, Ian, Brian, Keith, and The Man With a Snake. So many wrestlers, thousands and thousands of them climbing into the ring in a big pile, truly this is the Royal Rumble.

LOG
Guys, this is it. It’s time to wrestle the fuck out of all of these assholes and become the world champions of wrestling once and for all.

MATT
I’ve got ALL of my moves ready. Let’s murder every wrestler and win the royal rumble.

STEVE
You don’t need to tell me twice. I’m going to do a move right now, and it is this move:

- A reverse parallax leg You dislocate every bone in your leg and spin it around like a big floppy sock filled with potatoes. [734 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
It will take more than your fucked up wobbly leg to defeat me, Regular Features.

LOG
Try THIS on for size!

You leap into the sky and cartwheel around up in the rafters, faster and faster until you start to glow with pure wrestling energy, which you release in a concussive burst of white hot plasma that rips through the royal rumble wrestling ring. [4,823 wrestlers murdered]

THE ROCK
Haha! I eat white hot plasma bursts for breakfast. And while I realise that sounds like I’m saying I eat spoonfuls of semen from a big jizz bowl every morning, that’s NOT what I meant.

MATT
In that case, I must cordially invite you to cop a feel of this

You run at full speed into the ropes and then fall to the ground, feigning injury, when 2,643 wrestlers come over to ask if you’re okay, you jump up and elbow them all to death. [2,642 wrestlers murdered - THERE IS ONLY ONE WRESTLER LEFT]

STEVE
There is only one wrestler left!

THE ROCK
It’s me, The Rock. I’m the last one. I am the last wrestler left and you’ll never ever defeat me. Unless, that is, you know my one weakness.

STEVE
A simple punchTHE ROCK
Oh no, a simple punch. How unlikely. I can’t believe you’ve punched me to death.

LOG
Take a hike, The Rock, we’re the wrestling champions now. We’ve murdered every wrestler and now we’re the best.