terminator genisys

Terminator is on a roof. John Connor is on the ground and shouting up at him.

JOHN
Jump, Terminator. Your Terminator legs will protect you from damage.

TERMINATOR
Negative, Terminator is scared.

JOHN
You don’t any emotions Terminator, how can you be–

TERMINATOR
TERMINATOR SCARED.

JOHN
Terminator we have to go stop Skynet right now or else the world is doomed, there must be another way down?

TERMINATOR
What is another way down from a roof?

JOHN (frustrated)
Well I don’t know, I’m not the one on the roof. Are there any staircases, or maybe a ladder?

TERMINATOR
Scanning for staircases and ladders… (pause)

JOHN
Have you found any–

TERMINATOR
STAIRCASES NOT FOUND 🙁 🙁 🙁

JOHN
For fuck’s sake Terminator! You come down from that roof this instant.

TERMINATOR
Terminator frightened. Terminator sad.

JOHN
I’m warning you Terminator.

TERMINATOR
(pause)… Scanning for staircases.

JOHN
Right, that’s it Terminator, I’m leaving without you.

TERMINATOR
No don’t.

JOHN
I’m going. Here I go. Bye bye Terminator.

TERMINATOR
No come back.

JOHN
I can’t hear you Terminator.

Terminator jumps off the roof and runs after John. The pair continue their journey towards Cyberdyne HQ.

TERMINATOR
My Terminator legs protected me from damage 🙂

JOHN
I know. I told you they’d do that and you wouldn’t listen.

TERMINATOR
Can I have some crisps?

JOHN
No you can’t have crisps, you had crisps earlier.

TERMINATOR
Terminator want criiiiisps.

JOHN
Jesus Christ Terminator give it a rest will you?

TERMINATOR
Why are you angry at Terminator? Terminator is doing his best.

JOHN
No I’m not angry, you’re just being really annoying today.

TERMINATOR
Terminator sad.

JOHN
Stop being sad! You aren’t even programmed for sad. Who told you about sad?

TERMINATOR
Terminator is useless.

JOHN
You’re not useless, you’re – – Terminator where are you going?

TERMINATOR
Terminator going up on roof to check for enemies.

JOHN
No, Terminator.

Terminator begins scaling a building with his powerful robot arms.

JOHN
Terminator, no!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck.

JOHN
Terminator!

TERMINATOR
Terminator stuck on the roof.

JOHN
*sigh*

TERMINATOR
Help me John. Help Terminator. Heeeelp.

Learn more! Episode 147 : The Dog Terminator From Russia Who Loved Me

thatcher, margaret

Good afternoon. I am Margaret Thatcher. I first came to the public attention as a provider of stunt bras to the Carry On movies. You remember when Barbara Windsor’s bra flew off in Carry On Camping? That was one of my bras. Aerodynamic for flight, and padded cups for a soft landing. The right bra for the job. That was my motto.

babs-bra

For decades, that bra was the most famous bra in the world. He couldn’t go to a party without someone putting him on and catapulting him across the room. He loved it. These days he just lies across a laptop keyboard, watching an animated gif of Kenneth William’s shocked face, one cup damp with whiskey, the other cup half full of cigarette ash.

But enough about the early days. I’ve done other stuff, too. For example, umm, did you know that I was in Regular Features in the 70s? It was me and Terry Wogan. I’d sing a bit of a popular tune, and Terry would replace the lyrics with vulgar alternatives. I’ll never forget, one day I sang “put them together and what have you got? Bibbedy bobbedy boo” and quick as a flash, Terry sang “open your arsehole and what have you got? Knickers all spattered with poo”. Such a brilliant man. Such a talent. A brilliant man talent. So sadly missed. Tell you what! Let’s play it now! For old time’s sake!

I’ll think of one of the top of my head. Linger by the Cranberries. You got me wrapped around your finger… come on, Margaret…

FUCKING PIECE OF BALLS AND SHIT

No that wasn’t right. I know, I’ll do a song from the seventies, that’s more in keeping. That’s neat that’s that’s neat that’s neat I really like your Tiger Feet. Here we go…

I GOT BIG FARTS IN MY BUTTHOLE AND I WANNA SQUIRT OUT A FAT ONE TONIGHT

Fuck it, this isn’t working at all. Mind, this was Terry Wogan’s thing more than mine. What I used to do was cheep and chirp into the mic and say “is that a real bird or did I just make it up?” But when we started doing live shows, the audience was just all birds. We were as surprised as they were to find out I was a human being. It got really tense. Have you ever had 50 kittiwakes looking at you like you’re a racist arsehole? I was sweating out me arse, I can fucking tell you.

I’m getting sidetracked. I’m not here to chat shit – I’m here as a representative of the wider Regular Featureverse. I wasn’t the first member of Regular Features. To find that out, you have to go back much further in time. Before history began. Back to the 1920s…

Learn more! Episode 207 : Live And Barely Audible

torchwood

Torchwood is a TV show in which literally anything goes. One minute Captain Jack Harkness will be stood on the roof of a Cardiff building, and the next minute a bloke gets his dick shattered into stardust by an alien with proper nice tits. And everything inbetween!

Torchwood? Touch wood (erect penis) more like!

Here is a brief guide to the first episodes of Torchwood:

The Bum Column: Two gay aliens get commissioned by a hypnotised Mayor of London to perform anal on the vacant fourth pillar in Trafalgar Square. When everyone in the UK begins to wank themselves to death, it’s up to Captain Jack to drink all the spunk then puke it into the wormhole that brought the aliens here.

The Dick Dilemma: Gwen is conflicted when she gets promoted to a job she never applied for: the Madam of an interstellar brothel ship, and her loyalty to Rhys is tested when the juiciest penis in the universe begins to produce gallons of space pre-cum from its titanium urethra. Luckily, Captain Jack is there to take a hit for the team.

The Moon Frump: A puritanical new recruit disapproves of all the sex antics, causing Captain Jack to physically invert from sexual frustration. With Jack’s mouth out of action, can Tosh and Ianto save the universe from a massive moon tit, by drinking all the milk it’s squirting at Earth? And why does the new recruits passport say that she’s from… the moon?

In later episodes, an American man said “you fags be crazy” and everyone got embarrassed and decided to calm down.

Learn more! Episode 1 : Volcanoes, Torchwood, Fan Fiction

trousers, removing your

When a man removes his trousers, it is a dark portent. Nothing good can come of even the unbuckling of a belt, let alone the sinister swoosh of fabric against thigh as his leggings fump into a foreboding heap.

Nine times out of ten you can expect this scene to play out:

Learn more! Episode 2 : Welsh Gay Trouser Ghosts