The long-neglected Regular Features voicemail feature revealed a tale of horror, of mystery, of hard, crispy fruits. We have contacted the police.
Are you gay?
Here is a simple test for men: imagine you are sat at your desk, and you become dimly aware of a swooshing sound. Increasing in intensity, you begin to hear joyful screams between the rushes of air. Eventually distracted from your work, you turn around, and see that someone from HR has misunderstood your request for a gel wrist-rest, and has relocated the Pirate Ship ride from Alton Towers next to your desk.
If you think “I wish that had been a nice juicy dick I could’ve sucked”, they you may be gay.
For women, the test is slightly different. Simply replace the pirate ship with the Cine 360 cinema from the same amusement park, which looked like a big cloth tit.
To find out of you are straight, simply take the test for the opposite gender. That’s how simple it is. Two binary switches, yessiree.
When human beings die, two things happen. First, their body immediately begins to enact, at lightning speed, everything on the person’s “bucket list”.
Watch an extreme slo-mo repeat of a man dying, and you will notice that he, to the best of his abilities:
- sticks his finger inside a dog’s lipstick pouch and wiggles it around with a thrilled yet horrified expression on his face
- goes down a water slide while his disapproving partner just stands there, like she doesn’t even know what fun is
- endures an acrimonious divorce in which every bitter thing he’s ever wanted to say comes out in a courtroom environment, like that time he went on a water slide, and although he immediately regrets it when he sees the hurt in his former lover’s eyes, he knows that he cannot apologise for fear of jeopardising custody arrangements. This is the problem with the adversarial approach to family law, he laments, as his final breath shoots out of him like a dazzling laser beam
The second thing that happens in they shit themselves. Ambulance drivers are so used to people shitting themselves that they don’t even bother putting their hands on their hips and rolling their eyes, these days.
Sometimes when a person dies, a ghost comes out.