fainting

There are many excellent reasons to faint. These include:

  1. You are bleeding out, and you body needs to lower blood pressure to delay death.
  2. The venom has paralysed you, and now the spider is pointing its egg sac into your tear duct and there ain’t nobody got time for that.
  3. You’ve been holding your breath for two hours as part of a melodramatic response to a passenger farting in your car
  4. It’s the 1920s in Manhattan, and you’re one of those guys sat on a girder eating their lunch thousands of feet in the air. It has just occurred to you that if you fell off you’d be fucked

If you faint on a Ghost Train, simply pretend that you fell asleep because it was so relaxing. This will make you seem 115% badass.

Learn more! Episode 87 : Chocolate Flavoured Space Arguments

Fist World Problems

Hi, I’m Buck Pawchucker.

I’m the Mayor of Fistworld, the town where a punch in the face is as good as a kiss on the cheek, and a broken nose can mend a broken heart. Yessir, here in Fistworld, men – how you say – be punching each other, to the exclusion of every other activity. You could say that toxic masculinity has been distilled into a thick grey fisting sludge that we keep in a bucket and use as… well, to be perfectly frank, we use it as a fisting sludge.

But I do have to tell you, this job comes with a bunch of problems – problems that I would, with your indulgence,  be glad to share with you boys. The first one addresses an issue that may already have occurred in your dirty little minds, if I may say so, and I do say so,  if I may say so myself.

1. Fisting means “to punch”, no matter what you’ve heard

In 1993, a comedian by the name of Julian Clary went onto the television and said that he’d been fisting a conservative member of cabinet, Norman Lamont. Here in Fistworld, which to be honest is more of a hamlet in Essex than an actual “world”, we cheered so hard the barn owls left town, never to return. Thing is, we believe that all political problems are best solved with a good old-fashioned jab to the kisser, the old one-two. And we were finally glad that knuckle-centric politics was finally becoming respectable.

It was only after we’d erected a statue of Julian Clary, and his now deceased pet, Fanny The Wonder Dog, that we learned that Fistworld’s town square was now dominated by a twelve foot animatronic homosexual who was referring to an unheard of practice whereby a man punches another man extremely slowly in the a-pie. Not in anger, but with a form of love unknown to us.

Somewhere inside the assembled Fistworlders, as we watched Clary’s fist deliver an uppercut to an imaginary asshole in the sky, we realised that a mistake had been made. But admitting you were wrong is against the law in Fistworld, and punishable with a big punch. So we doubled down and agreed that two men fucking was actually fine,  so long as the dude being the chick limits himself to neutral gasping and refrains from moans of delight as the your chests meet and you swap spit. Additionally the orgasms must be a full minute apart.

I’m getting sidetracked, here. All that stuff happens after The Duskfist Curfew. During the daylight hours, before the tourists and bussed to a Travelodge in Braintree, the word fisting here just means to punch, OK? That’s what I’m saying. Don’t make it dirty with your filthy outsider ways.

To avoid confusion, here’s a few phrases you’ll hear a lot in Fistworld

“I want my fist deep inside you”

I want to punch you so hard in the gut that my fist penetrates your belly button and stirs up your guts like a cauldron of offal

“You better not clench or your hole is gonna get ripped”

Do not to clench your fist, or I will punch your entire, or “whole”, body, will become ripped, or “muscular” from being punched

“I’m going to open my fist in your ass like a filthy flower”

This sentence and its explanation has been outlawed. If you hear someone saying this please deliver summary justice with a fist to the eye socket.

2: When Your Only Tool Is A Fist, Every Problem Looks Like A Face

People have been complaining that the Fistworld bin men do not actually collect the bins, preferring instead to punch them over and deliver a devastating series of chain punches to the litter that falls out. On the high street,  the local butcher has yet to master the art of punching off a satisfying slice of boiled ham, and even if he could, chewing is considered effeminate in this town.

Why chew, when you can, instead, punch food into your mouth and soften the food with twenty uppercuts to your own jaw before opening wide and punching the food down your throat?

It has to be said, this gruelling process takes its toll on the teeth, and if you visit the Fistworld dentist, he will generally just punch out whatever teeth you have, damaged or not. This leaves 95% of the adults on Fistworld on a strict liquid diet.

Have you ever tried to punch soup out of a bowl? If you have, then you’lll understand the need we had to install a 17 ton rubber soup-filled udder in the town square, next to our animatronic Julian Clary. This allows our elders to stand and suckle on the udders many teats, as they deliver a sustained barrage of punches on the translucent sac above their heads. This is not the future our fist-fighting forefathers envisioned, perhaps. But it is the one we have, and we are not going to change our ways now.

3: The Kids Have Started Kicking Each Other, Which Requires That I Must Punch Them. But I Have Only Two Punches Left Before I Must Punch Myself Fatally In The Forehead

This problem pretty much explains itself, and raises no questions about the rules of  Fistworld. But it is safe to say, Kicking is punishable by a punch, and I can only deliver two more punches until the Emerald in my forehead begins to flash, and I must punch it into my brain.

4: The Large Cartoon FIght Cloud In The Saloon Has Just Entered It’s Eighteenth Year, And Has Achieved A Kind Of Godlike Status

Mayor is the highest position in Fistworld, and it is my honour to serve. However, I notice with concern that the large cartoon fight cloud in the town’s only Saloon, has begun to attract a cult-like gathering that will, once a year, sacrifice their best punchers into the sphere of dust. At any one time, up to twenty fists are visible, which is more fists than I can produce on any given Sunday. Sometimes I think of punching myself three times in the forehead and throwing myself into this eternal fistfight. Surely it must be heaven.

Learn more! Episode 333

fivers, new

untitled-1Is your business ready to accept the new five pound note? The new five pound note is money, and therefore in your business’ best interests. But you don’t want to throw good money after bad, so it’s important that you’re “on the money” with the new five pound note. After all, you know what they say: “money is as money does, so let’s do some money”.

Here are some important facts to bear in mind about the new money that is happening, and may already have happened.

  1. You can test the new polymer banknotes by tickling the queen’s tits with a feather. If you are arrested for treason, the bank note is real and can be safely banked.
  2. The new notes have a heist mode – they hoot and inflate like balloons during a heist, forcing you to chase them around with a butterfly net like you’re in the Crystal fuckin’ Dome or something. All bank notes therefore have to be acutely sensitive to heist conditions, and may inflate accidentally if you say things like “put the ingots into my knapsack” or “you won’t believe what’s in this safety deposit box, Jeff, it’s some kind of gigantic ruby. I’ve never seen anything like it. It must be worth a billion dollars”.
  3. Some lucky notes will have a “double or nothing” scratchbox in the corner. Reveal a lucky double, and your note will expand, fold, mutate, and enter a fleshy cocoon stage for three weeks. Once the meat around the exhaust port turns pinkish-brown and begins to discharge an ash-grey paste, jam two fingers firmly into the ham-like aperture and yank out the squealing money prawn. This is legal tender, and can be used at any participating newsagent. If, however, you reveal a “nothing”, you will have destroyed some money, and be arrested for treason.
  4. To make up for years of banknotes dominated by male historical figures, every five-pound note will feature a different Spice Girl. This means there will only be five printed. This will make them too valuable to release into the public, so they will be kept by a millionaire, who will use them to dab at his willy after a long night of edging. The Spice Girl notes will immediately be replaced by a new new Five Pound note, which features a beautiful drawing of a bearded God giving a bearded Moses a secret eleventh commandment – “thou shalt not menstruate on my big holy dick”.
  5. If you can think of an amount of money that there isn’t already a banknote for, then you have “discovered” that banknote, and can ask the Mint Bank Of Britain to mint you a special note with your face on it. But watch out! The queen can see all the way around the note, so if you’re sticking your tongue out, you will be arrested for treason.
  6. All new bank notes will have full AI, that will allow them to solve really hard puzzles, and fall in love. This means that they will be covered by the human rights act, which in turn means that you can only spend them with the note’s consent. This only goes to show how ridiculous human rights are in the first place, and they should all be revoked immediately.
  7. Did you think the word “mint” was a combination of the words “money” and “print”? Think again! It’s because money was invented by Marco Polo, in Season 2 of the TV Series Marco Polo. Kublai Khan was all like “my breath’s honking, get us some mints from the shop”, and Marco was all like “shit, how do I buy things” so he quickly invented money. No-one has been allowed to have the surname Polo since, in case more money happens, causing inflation.

If you see a new fiver in the wild, be sure to Tweet us @bankofengland!

Learn more! Episode 204 : Banknote Busting Mouth Ulcers