eight simple rules for dating my daughter

Hi, I’m fictional character H.J. Daddyrules.

You might remember me from my TV show, 8 Simple Rules Dot Dot Dot For Dating My Teenage Daughter, in which I died early in the second season, coincidentally after popular television comedian John Ritter also died.

Remember how the last thing my daughter Bridget, played by the radiant Kelly Cuoco, said to me was “I hate you” and it sort of hung over her for the rest of the show, even when my nephew, Sebulba Daddyrules, played by the incomparable David Spade, turned up in season 3 and talked so much they cancelled the show, but you were always just thinking “do you reckon Bridget is thinking about how her dad died on a grocery store floor, agonizing over how she said the words ‘I hate you’ just because I said she couldn’t use the car?” Poignant stuff I’m sure you’ll agree.

Anyway I’m a sort of ghost now. Do you remember my rules from the show? Here we gooooo!

  1. Use your hands on my daughter and you’ll lose them after.
  2. You make her cry, I make you cry.
  3. Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
  4. Bring her home late, there’s no next date.
  5. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you’re sure not picking anything up
  6. No complaining while you’re waiting for her. If you’re bored, change my oil.
  7. If your pants hang off your hips, I’ll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
  8. Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

You may have noticed a pattern – yes, four of those rules involve threats of physical violence, and you’d better believe those words weren’t for show. I severed countless teen hands, brutalized boys who tried to use a condom on or, heaven forbid, in my daughters, even stapled a pair of low jeans into the foreskin of a young man I believe was called Chaz. When one of them made my little Kerry cry, I glued his feet to the ground and force fed him printer ink until it flowed like wine from his other holes and ducts. “Mr. Daddyrules!,” he wept. “H.J.! H.J.! I thought you liked me! I just watched Schindler’s List with her! It would be odder if she didn’t cry!”

But I stick to my rules, or my name’s not Hand Job Daddyrules.

Unfortunately, after I died, God – who is real – threw me into Hell as a direct consequence of this. Mine is a cruel punishment indeed – I am forced to take part in endless consecutive seasons of 8 Simple Rules Dot Dot Dot For Dating My Teenage Daughter, as if the show never ended. Although time has lost all meaning for me, a brief look at Wikipedia suggests that we would now be approaching the 18th season of the show, and the sheer amount of time passing has rendered my original rules at best a little out of date and at worst hokey.

As such, please find attached 8 Simple Rules Dot Dot Dot For Dating My 30-ish Daughter OR SON, Come On It’s the Tennies Baby Get With It:

  1. .You can fuck in the house – you’re in your 30s after all – just don’t do it in my man cave. My man cave is for me and honestly it’s the only place I can fuck after your mother left me. Don’t let my fucks and your fucks coalesce. I don’t want to think that bits of my ass are crawling up yours because of sofa friction.
  2. If you are some kind of demon, because the show is also now set in Hell for budgeting reasons, at least try and knock before you come in. No one wants fuckin’ Pazuzu flash framing all over the place unexpectedly, least of all my daughters and/or son.
  3. If you are my son Rory from the show (played by the magnificent Martin Spanjers) do not let the weird subplot from the first season where you reveal that you and your friends raided your older sister’s underwear drawer blossom into a full-on problem. I’m just a bit worried that it’s still playing on your mind these days. Come on Rory, you can be with other women, it’s not Game of Thrones.
  4. Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain. He’ll hear you and it’ll cause me no end of trouble.
  5. Especially don’t use Jesus’ name in vain because he’s just fucking annoying.
  6. Please bring food. They don’t give you food in Hell, but you feel twice as hungry all the time. I like corn on the cob and lamb. No apples.
  7. Do not go on a nice date and then dream about my daughters or son. Dreams become real in Hell and then turn into nightmares, and then I have to use my day trying to save you and them from your own psyche, which is a waste of my time and yours.
  8. Safe sex really is a myth down here. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but if you want genitals instead of a screaming crow’s face at the end of the night don’t buy any of the condoms or IUDs from Hell supermarkets.

Anyway, that’s all from me. The moral is that you should say your prayers, and make sure your daughters can’t enjoy themselves. Goodnight.

quantum leap

Hello my name is Quantum Leap and I have found myself trapped in the past suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that is not my own. Oh boy, I’ve dropped my secret files. They’ve gotten all mixed up. Which of these Quantum Leap episodes is the real one?

Season 4: Episode 9: Basketball Dog

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of a dog and must win his high school’s basketball game by slamdunking a three-pointer in the last minute. Things are complicated at half-time when Ziggy tells Quantum Leap that he cannot leap until he disrupts a divorce hearing taking place at the town courthouse, which is 15 miles away from the basketball court. Luckily for our hero, Quantum Leap uses a supersonic bark to knock the divorce papers out of a window and score the winning dunk at the same time. “I’ve had an idea for a film,” shouts a man who was spectating the basketball game. Quantum Leap laughs and says “That was the director of AirBud, Charles Martin Smith!”

Season 1: Episode 12: Ant Problem

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of an ant and must kickstart the American Civil Rights Movement by cheering up a disheartened Martin Luther King Junior, who is sad because his fear of ants is preventing him progressing in his career as an ant scientist. Things are further complicated by an evil bee who is out to get Quantum Leap. Over time however, Quantum Leap manages to use tiny grains of rice to gain the trust of Martin Luther King Jr, and uses a special ant pheromone trail to trace out and dictate the words to the “I Have a Dream” speech on the inside of a jam jar lid. A nearby baby sees all of this and goes on to produce the Dreamworks film Antz.

Season 3: Episode 5: The Boogieman

Quantum Leap leaps into the body of a second-rate horror novelist who lives in a haunted house and must prevent the murder of a nice lady. But when people around him begin to get murdered in mysterious circumstances, it’s up to Quantum Leap to figure out what’s going on! It turns out that the murderer is none other than Al, Quantum Leap’s hologram friend, who does an evil laugh and reveals himself to be the devil. Quantum Leap and the devil grab one another’s throats and spin around for ages while an evil piano plays scary music faster and faster until Quantum Leap wakes up back at the start of the episode. A young Stephen King sees all of this and has the idea for his first ever book.

If you answered mostly c, it’s very possible that you have seen The Boogieman, the episode of Quantum Leap in which Sam Beckett has a throttling match with the Devil while spinning around for ages to evil piano music

steve and joe’s body swap adventure

After “long-hugging”, body-swapping is the number one tool in the relationship counsellor’s arsenal. Just look how a simple body-swap adventure can resolve conflicts, build empathy, and end up with both parties teaming up for one last heist

STEVE
I hate you Joe. I have no understanding of your life and you disgust me for having different priorities

JOE
I feel the same was about you. I see no way we can respect each other, let alone be friends.

STEVE
OK so now we’ve sorted that out let’s take shelter from this thunderstorm under a sheet of corroguted metal

JOE
I hope we don’t get

BOTH
STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!

STEVE
Oh no we just did exactly that

JOE
Who said that?

STEVE
You did! I mean I did!

BOTH
WHUUUUUUH?

STEVE
Ew gross I’ve got spiders in my pockets

JOE
That is why I behave badly sometimes, because I am scared of the spiders in my pockets.

STEVE
I see.

JOE
More to the point, Why have my balls been dragged back and fingered into my arsehole

STEVE
That is why I sometimes do not treat you with respect, because I am fixated on the fear that birds want to peck my balls off through my paper trousers

JOE
I also see. I love you Joe

STEVE
I love you too Steve

JOE
I think the only way to swap bodies back is to bust a nut into our reflections in a puddle.

STEVE
Then what are we waiting for! I’m gonna bust your wonky nuts faster than you can say “heebie jeebies”

Steve busts a nut

Joe busts a nut

JOE
Oh no! the nuts must be bust at the same time. You have created a temporal body swap rift and turned into a dinosaur

STEVE
C’est la vie, baby. Hop onto my stegs and let’s do one last heist